steelwngs

I'm going to try for a while to post some thoughts down each day. Today wasn't so bad. I hate being alone on a Saturday. I so need to find social things to do that take up creative time.

I wrote this a while ago. I'm transfering it here to save it.

I think sometimes and it makes me sad. I don't know why.Thoughts of love turn to ash and fly away. I should not feel this, I should be glad. I have a woman who says she loves me. I know this is supposed to feel good. I feel like I have no connection to her, it's like we are not even there. I see her from a distance, from a long way away. Like a memory, that you have to concentrate to recall. She used to be close, I have pushed her away.
I killed the part of her, that loved me true. With so many words, that were all lies. For so long this is what said to myself I wanted. Isn't it what I wanted? I wanted to be free, live how I wanted without care. What is being happy? I sometimes wish that I could erase all memory, all feelings. Would that make better or worse?
I have this feeling in my chest, it feels like how a burnt can looks after a forest fire, charred, empty and forgotten. Some parts are still shiny, but no one cares. It's been used for what it was worth a long time ago and long since discarded.
I wish I could go back to not caring, it would be easier. If I could have just been brave enough to just let her go.
Am I worse off for caring? Would I have been better leaving her alone?
Is she worse with me?
Do I really deserve her love and respect, when I have shown her neither?
If I won't stand up for myself, why won't I stand up to protect my family?

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Well M went away for the weekend to a museum with her BF. She left saturday morning and came home last night.
First off, it's not like I wasn't told she was going away long in advance. It's also like it was something that we share in common where they went and what they did. They rented a car and went to the Baseball museum in cooperstown, NY.
I do NOT like sports, it's not my thing and I mentally equate sports people with relegious fanatics. Wearing a team jearsey is just the same to me as wearing a shirt that has bible refrences on it.

So she went away with him and his friend for the weekend. I tried to be good, and not get upset about their time away spent together. I don't want to ruin everything she does that she enjoys.
I do not understand why I get this way. I trying to change my behavior, but I keep falling back. :(
Why can't I just let this go. I believe that I love her, at least I think I do, then why do I do things that hurt her?
She leaves her computer stuff on the kitchen table, to make it easier for herself in the morning. Seeing it there aggrivated me so on saturday morning after she left I packed it all up and put it next to her bed. I also took all the Music CDs that he gave her and ripped all of them and put them in a pile along with all the books he gave her on the table for her.
I'm sick of seeing things he gives her scattered all around the house. CD's, DVD's, clothing..Etc.

Eh more later. I need to get to work.

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Feel like I've become stagnant lately. I feel like I have lost something. I can't seem to find they joy in anything right now. I can't seem to get motivated to do anything lately.

I feel like I'm back sliding.

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I keep wondering why I keep coming back to thoughts that make me upset. Why is it so difficult to dismiss negative thinking, and so easy to forget positive thoughts. I forget the happy so fast and obsess over what's wrong.
I keep wondering how long I can last. Dealing with my emotional state feels like endurance training.
Today I feel.. Solemn, rushed, neglected, sad, tired, restless, bored, lacking.

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I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about emotions and reactions. Mostly about why some things elicit specific reactions and others don't. I think it's the mental weight or baggage you have attached to them. If you really don't care then it doesn't have the same impact on your emotional state. So if you are 100% honest with yourself and you understand all of your feelings then the emotions you have are honest with everyone else and yourself. Right?
So if I don't attach baggage to a feeling it should be easier to get past I would guess. So is it a matter of trust in yourself? Or trust you place in others?
So if I can change my mental picture map of specific situations then if something in my past that used to cause me stress, in the future should not have the same effect.

Today I feel... Upbeat, reflective, tired, sleepy, contemplative

Still working on letting go of old feelings and figure out why they are there. But that work is continuing and future work.

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Picked up a book about emotional intelligence. It's an interesting read so far. Been reading up on the difference between moods, feelings, emotions and personality. So far it's been insightful, just makes me think about how much of my life has been spent disconnected from everyone.

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I was thinking of trying a new exercise today.
I am going to post a few adjectives through out the day that describes my mood and maybe a few thoughts why I have those feelings.

Today I feel apathetic, tired, bored, unmotivated, apprehensive, contemplative.

I just feel like I'm just going through the motions of going to work. I get up, get dressed, pack up my daily gear and go to a job I really don't look forward to. It's not that I hate my job per say, I just feel that I have no desire, no want, no inspiration.
I need to find something in my daily life that gives me focus I guess. Like when I found fire spinning it became all encompassing I had something to pour my creativity into. Right now I don't feel that.

Well off to do my morning deliveries.

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Just wondering if it's possible to go to far with sharing. Had a talk with M and we came to the conclusion that I was over stimulating her with the new things I have been thinking of. I have been using her as a sounding board for all my new little discoveries into my behavior. Maybe I want validation? Don't know, all I know is that for so long I have become so intertwined with her that I have lost sight of me as an individual. I need to become comfortable again as me by myself, instead of us as a couple. :/
Maybe I just want to much too soon. How long do you go to therapy before you should expect results? Is it like going to a gym? Or should I lower my expectations to say like training for a marathon? *sigh* this is all so new for me. I just wish that I could see the middle of the road sometimes. I either focus on the beginning of a journey or focus on the end that I forget about the transitions from one end to the other. I'm impatient, I like. immediate gratification and hate waiting. Who knows maybe that is the part I need to learn most, the having to be patient and let things evolve on their own.
Eh, well my train should be here soon. More later.

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Well, another monday. Not so fun filled weekend.
Had an intensive therapy session on Saturday. Talked a lot about my reactions to things. One of the big things that came out of this one was the confirmation that I need to be more assertive with people. Not aggressive just assertive to my needs and wants. I mean seriously if you don't tell people how are they supposed to know what your feeling right? So no holding feelings in. If I have something that I feel you should know I'm going to express it, good or bad, at least that way they know. Take the information for what you want, at least they know where I stand. One of the biggest "Ah Ha" moments was when my therapist told me this... "Avoidance is exhausting" since I spend more time and energy not dealing with someone than if I dealt with it head on. Also you spend a great deal of time thinking about what someone means than actually talking to them and getting a direct answer.
Overall, a good session and things to work on. I'm realizing where I learned a lot of my passive aggressive behaviors. So at least I can examine them and either deal with them or correct them.
I have noticed after therapy I feel better but, gods to I want to take a nap after. LOL
Wonder if that is normal? Don't know.
Learning about emotional bonds and my ability to disassociate myself when I get overly emotional. That's a scary one for me, noticed I do that during physical confrontations, E.G. In martial arts tournaments, I could take blows and not feel the pain. I would feel the impact but nothing else, because I was running on such an adrenaline high. Oh, and I enjoyed the rush of it. Weird right? Anyway, on the train into work. So I need to stop. Will write more later.

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